Last class we had an evaluation to know if we can continue to A1.2. My evaluation was good and the teacher told me I can go on to the next level. However, she also told me I should try to keep calm when I don’t get it. She said, it will make things much easier for me, if I tried to move on even when I don’t understand everything, instead of freaking out. She basically pointed at the one thing I’m dealing with all my life. „Tell me something I don’t know“, I replied.
I’m the youngest of four boys. My eldest brother is the „Energiser bunny rabbit“ that runs from one place to the other without giving anything it a second thought, doing all kind of crazy things. The second is the „Handy man“, the one that knows how to fix everything and somehow it seems that he’s always onto of everything. The third one is the one I always got into fights with and then there was me, the „Smart Ass“, the one that has to be so smart about everything.
Yep, that the image I was cultivating all my childhood, being the smart one.
Although I love the unique point of view i developed because of that… here we go I’m doing it again..sorry!
Anyway, growing up as the smart one is a huge deal because I grew up being afraid of trying things I wasn’t sure about, that I wasn’t absolutely, 100% sure that I’ll succeed.
It saved me a lot of trouble but I missed many opportunities for that.
So ever since I was aware of that habit, I practice taking risks in many areas in my life. Yet, one thing hasn’t changed. How I react when I learn something new and I don’t get it.
Last time was the chapter about Akkusative and Dative in German class. I was hearing the words but nothing made any sense. What drove me up the wall was seeing other members of the class looking like they have heard it ever since they were babies and they are on top of this subject. I felt stupid and I just hated that. „I don’t understand what you are talking about“, „I don’t get it“, „your words don’t make any sense, I need something I can hold on to“, were some of the ways I was pushing to understand something that will make any sense.
Right at the end of that class, I realised that there’s something similar in Hebrew and I was starting to get it. Emotionally on the other hand, I felt frustrated from learning German. It’s too hard, I thought. I should do better, and i don’t, I got angry.. „Millions of people know the language and I feel lost, what does it say about me?“, I was stressing myself.
One class after my evaluation we learnt about Perfekt tense and again, things didn’t make any sense in my head.
I took a deep breath and told myself it’s ok, let’s do some exercises and it may be clearer after.
Surprisingly, it did, very quickly, at the same lesson. I saved myself the stress and the thoughts of being so stupid just because it seems that everyone gets it and i don’t.
How silly is that?